Diet Fat Overweight Real Talk
Joe Bartholomew  


*If you haven’t read my previous blog, then this won’t make any sense to you, so if you are so inclined head over and have a peek here.

Having decided that shapewear would be the way to get me into a fabulous cocktail dress, I realised going to the toilet while wearing it wasn’t quite as simple as I’d hoped. 

Although there were instructions on how to use the contraption, I was very thankful for the small card with a picture of how to hold it and how not to within the packaging… the instructions made sense, but I almost broke my wrist figuring it out, until I saw the diagram of how not to hold it, which was of course how I was holding it.

The size of the ‘nozzle’ compared to the size of the hole in the garment didn’t match up, so I spent a few minutes finding different ways of getting the nozzle into the shapewear before I went anywhere near a toilet.

Having ADHD, I read the first line of the instructions and thought ‘yeah, yeah, yeah’… and so when I tried to sit on the toilet, rather than stand, I decided it best to pause my experiment and re-read.

So, standing. Not as easy as you’d think. Being a female for 38 (okay 53) years I’ve always sat down, squatted behind a tree, or hovered if the toilet seat was particularly manky … standing was a first

Several things to note about this:

  • You have to stand, but with legs wide over the toilet due to female bits… if you have a skirt/dress you’ll need to hike this up to your waist.
  • If you are wearing a long top you may have to tuck this into your bra, as I did, so you can see where to point!
  • You will see an entirely different perspective of your environment… I have since polished the chrome accessories and moved the toilet brush to hide the limescale build-up of my shower tray, which I hadn’t noticed previously.
  • Allowing yourself to pee standing up, into a rubber funnel, might be an issue at first.

I wanted a pee before going for a two-hour drive, so I could manage the experiment to a degree, but alas, due to point 4 above, it wasn’t going to happen. Thankfully I held on until I arrived at my destination where there was an en-suite available.  I’m particularly thankful for this as absolutely nothing in the world is going to help you if you need a number 2… so I had to strip off entirely and couldn’t experiment.

The next appointment was at my dentist… potentially awkward to say the least. It was a bit awks as I think I was in the bathroom for about five minutes, far more than my 30-second pee required, but, although I did manage to not soak myself, there was quite a bit of faff.

I was wearing jeans so they had to go down to the floor (not sure how that would work in a grotty public toilet, but the swanky dentist was spotless), support myself on the wall with one arm, hold with the other, try to see over my top tucked into my bra without covering it with my foundation, aim, try to relax my bits (therefore my mind) enough to allow myself to pee standing up, all while fighting the terror of urinating all over myself before my crown prep.

It was a success!

Over the course of the day I went another three times and I discovered the only real downside was going to the toilet without taking your handbag which was hiding the contraption in it.

I’m confident that this will fit into my black sequinned bag, to enable me to wear the shapewear underneath my black swanky cocktail dress, to enable me to feel less vulnerable and feel confident in a dress.

Now all I need is an actual event to attend. Yes, you read that right. I’ve gone to all this palaver of buying a cocktail dress, buying shapewear, peeing all over myself, experimenting for an entire day… and I have no event to go to.

So if you know of anyone who needs someone to accompany them to a faaabulous event, anywhere in the world, you know where to come.

**I have ADHD and am an introverted extrovert who has worked from home for 30 years, so I have zero conversation skills or tolerance. When I do deem it necessary to speak I have a potty mouth, I can’t remember any names, I will repeat myself and interrupt, and I might need to move my seat seven times to find one that I can sit in without my skin crawling due to air-con, children, facing a door… etc… Other than that, I’ll make a great guest.

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