Before I get started…
This post is raw and candid and could make for uncomfortable reading. I’m sharing my experience to raise awareness about RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) and its impact, not just to vent, but to help others who might be going through similar struggles feel they are not alone. The particular RSD episode I am writing about was journalled several months ago, and not the day before its publication! 💖
A Glimpse into an RSD Episode
Here I am again, looking through my office window at the stunning vista of my lake, teaming with beautiful ducks and birds and fish, with tears falling down my face. Not happy tears.
I’m dealing again with the consequences of my own actions that occurred as I was triggered yesterday and, as usual, my reactions got too strong and I cut off something that I didn’t want to, to stop me from hurting. By cutting them off, I have hurt myself rather than allow someone else to do it. I’m not sure which would hurt more as I don’t recall actually ever letting someone hurt me first in a relationship.
- The brain of someone with ADHD might not be able to regulate pain-like activity, which would explain why rejection is so much more troubling and painful to someone with RSD.
Being an ADHDer with RSD I am also an empath and can pick up even the slightest change in people… is it empath or overthinker? I’m not sure which as I swing between the two definitions. But to my ears, empath sounds nicer than overthinker… I don’t want another ‘think’ to add to the list of initials I now have after my name. F.U.C.K.E.D is likely to come next, and not in the sexual ‘oh that’s nice’ kind of way either!
The tears are not for the relationship that I stuffed up – although the not knowing if that would ever had worked out is more than frustrating. It’s for yet again making the same mistake – stabbing myself in the heart so I don’t feel someone else do it in my back. Which, when not triggered, I realise is ridiculous, but still…RSD.
The Emotional Impact
Not getting an ADHD diagnosis until I was 51, has been confusing to say the least. For the first season of my life I believed I was a terrible person, my personality flawed, as I had such strong emotions and if I didn’t eat them, drown them in alcohol or smoke them out with drugs, the pain would cause me to fly off the handle at any perceived slight.
RSD can be a major characteristic of ADHD, and it is one that can’t be controlled as it’s to do with the brain structure.
Emotional dysregulation happens with both rejection sensitivity and RSD. Dysphoria doesn’t. People with rejection sensitivity can do one or more of the following:
- Feel severe anxiety or other negative emotions before an anticipated rejection.
- Have trouble seeing nonpositive interactions (such as neutral or vague reactions) as anything but rejection and react accordingly.
- Overreact to feelings of rejection, leading to behaviour that reflects negative emotions like anger, rage, extreme sadness, severe anxiety, etc.
While all of those are also possible with RSD, there’s one more component: People with RSD describe feeling an intense — if not overwhelming — level of emotional pain.
Brain Structure Can Cause Havoc
Sometimes I feel that the six-year-old me is the one pulling the strings. I describe my ADHD brain to neurotypicals as if it holds 15 teenagers, but I am starting to wonder if it’s 14 teenagers and one six-year-old who sits quietly watching the others, until they are about to risk her heart, then she commands the room (brain) and directs their behaviour to the beat of her drum.
I know when the six-year-old is conducting as I can be writing a text message, putting an end to the possibility of something beautiful – shaking my head, knowing I’m being reckless, my stomach churching, as a terrible cloak of dread descents the minute I hit ‘send.’ The knowing does not stop the response.
If I am torn between the choice of wanting to take action (which will relieve the pain) versus wanting to see how things play out, those are the days I overeat, over share, or go to bed in the middle of the day… if I have found the strength not to act immediately. Knowing that this is not my fault, it’s not my personality, but rather a brain structure issue, doesn’t help in the middle of an episode unfortunately.
I struggle to implement strategies to enable time to pass and allow the RSD to settle down so I can make decisions based on facts and feelings, rather than emotional pain.
Research has led me to realise that RSD, for me, is why I am an easy target for narcissists. If someone gaslights me, I’ll believe it because, well, ADHD/RSD/six-year-old calling the shots. After much analysis I’ve seen many relationships, including friends/family, that should have been cut off but, due to my believing there is something fundamentally wrong with me, I’ve gone back for more. But there never was anything wrong with me personally – I have a complicated brain structure which I might have been able to learn how to live with had I known this little fact a few decades ago.
Even as I write this, hoping to get the words out of me to control my actions, I’m aware it’s been six hours** since someone responded to me… so what? Well, let me give you a glimpse of the chatter in my brain: he doesn’t like me, he’s bored of me, he must hate me, he’s purposefully trying to hurt me, he’s a player, he wants to humiliate and ridicule me, I’d best just end it (the relationship) and get rid now so he can’t hurt me any longer.
**Update – he had a valid reason for not responding to me and once this was communicated the relief was instant and the RSD episode left as if it had never arrived.
I’m a 53-year-old businessperson, mother, author, singer, fabulous friend (with two divorces under my belt) and yet the self-control it took to not ruin this relationship again, over a perceived vagueness due to a delay in responding to me via text, was immense. Getting a diagnosis to help you find tools is critical in my opinion – preferably before you are in the second season of life!
Why Share This Vulnerability?
The one thing I am gifted with is my ability to be vulnerable to the point it makes me squirm – if I feel it’s for the greater good of one other person to feel they are not alone if they happen upon me or my writing. If someone has it slightly worse or suffers less than I do, then they may find comfort in knowing that they don’t have to say the words themselves, but perhaps use them as a balm for their soul or as something to share with loved ones, whilst being able to say ‘obvs I don’t feel the same as this moron, but not far off’ or words to that effect.
My writing is always raw and vulnerable and I don’t temper this as I believe vulnerability can lead to connection and that makes it easier for people to understand and empathise. I continue to believe that writing from experience is essential for breaking the stigma around mental health issues like ADHD and RSD. I may burn with the embarrassment of not being able to respond appropriately when suffering with an RSD episode, especially via messages rather than in person, and at my age, but I refuse to carry any shame.
- Understanding RSD is the first step in effectively managing its impact on your life. – Dr Neff
Possible Coping Strategies
I am still trawling through articles and researching exercises/therapies to see if I can find any relief from RSD. Every person’s brain structure is different and there are several types of ADHD and differing extremes of RSD, so below are some ideas/strategies I’ve come across that might help you, or someone you know who may be struggling:
- Make self-care a priority. Stress and anxiety can make RSD feel even worse. Finding ways to limit your stress can help you adapt to RSD. If I’m in emotional pain I find a hot bath with bubbles and candles, gentle music and a book, can really take the edge off.
- Exercise. I don’t like traditional exercise but when I’m suffering with RSD uber-fast walking can help – with very loud music playing! If I’m feeling sad rather than angry then I’ll go out on my paddle board and let the water and nature give me pause.
- Write down your thoughts. But do not send them! I have found that writing in Notes on my phone is immensely helpful when I’m experiencing the initial pain of RSD. I have a file called ‘Note To Self’ and I write down everything I’m feeling, what I’d love to say, but never would, and the messages I’d love to send if I didn’t have to worry about repercussions. Just writing them down and going back and filling in gaps can really help get those feelings ‘seen’ without anyone else being hurt by them.
- Be nicer to yourself. This is a difficult one but essential. Try to challenge and talk back to any negative voices. If you have a friend who you can confide in (thank heavens I have one who has never given up on me) then give them a call and see if they can give you another perspective.
- Find self-compassion. This can include affirmations, compassionate self-talk, guided-meditation, yoga and mindfulness. Music helps me enormously and I have developed specific playlists for when I need to express my anger or sadness, singing loudly when no one can hear is incredibly therapeutic.
- Deep Breathing Technique from Dr Neff. When we experience rejection, our bodies may perceive it as a threat to our safety. Deep breathing can signal to the nervous system that you are safe.
Here’s a technique:
Inhale deeply through your nose for a count of 4.
Hold for 1-2 seconds.
Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of 6
(note that the extended exhale is crucial for triggering the relaxation response).Dr Neff – https://neurodivergentinsights.com/
- Use Technology. There are many apps out there that can help give you the needed pause when suffering with RSD. Each person will benefit from different systems but Calm helps me with sleep, pausing and for self-esteem affirmations. I listen to ‘Feel Better Live More’ on Podcasts when I’m feeling low. When I need to stop myself reacting I use The Tapping Solution. If none of these work then I do switch to TikTok/Insta… a few hours of doom scrolling, ensuring you aren’t on an algorithm that fuels your delulu, can be beneficial.
- Try a barrier before response. This may seem odd for someone of my age but if I’m suffering with RSD, which can last days, I will send a message that I’m thinking of sending to my neurotypical bestie, who inevitably writes something like ‘DO NOT SEND THAT’… and then gives me examples of what might be a gentler approach.
- Psychotherapy/CBT can help a person learn how to process and manage feelings so they’re less overwhelming, which can help a person with RSD feel more in control of their emotions.
- Get a diagnosis for ADHD, because RSD happens based on how your brain functions and you may be able to get medication to help. Correct medication has enabled me to drive on motorways and stop binge-eating, something that was impossible for me for many years!
- Adults with RSD are more likely to experience anxiety, depression and loneliness. People with RSD often avoid situations where the outcome or success is uncertain.
Naturally, I want to avoid all situations where the outcome is uncertain, but at the same time I have ADHD so enjoy risk-taking and living life to the fullest extent possible – complicated much? One thing I do know is I was heavily medicated for most of my adult life until I got my ADHD diagnosis. I finally weaned off anti-depressants (which took an incredibly long time to do safely) and my life has improved dramatically since taking ADHD medication and finding strategies to help me understand that my uniqueness can be beautiful.
In Summary…
Dealing with ADHD and RSD is an ongoing journey, one that often feels like a rollercoaster of emotions and self-doubt. But by sharing our struggles openly, we can begin to dismantle the walls that these conditions build around us. We may not have all the answers, and sometimes, the pain may seem unbearable, but we are not alone.
If you’re struggling with RSD or ADHD, reach out—whether to a friend, a therapist, or even an online community. It’s okay to ask for help as together we can learn to navigate this complex emotional landscape and find peace in the knowledge that we are worthy of love, patience, and understanding.
And remember, RSD is not constant. We do not live in pain every day… it just feels like it when we are in the middle of an episode. This too will pass.
These resources have been helpful in my understanding of RSD and I’ve shared some of their quotes in this article:
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd
https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria
Please do share your own experience if you feel able, you may find a simple comment can give another person permission to share their journey – we are better in community than suffering alone.
Light shines in the darkness and darkness will never extinguish it.
